Pictures of Baby Suri - 8/1/2006
I Hate My Life part 1 - 6/27/2006
Election Day - 6/6/2006
What an exclusive for Eighth Hell! I, Bob, the webmaster/resident asshole, have obtained exclusive pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby. I really can't stress how lucky I am to be the first person to make these photos public on the Web!
Are you ready to see the baby? Click below!
What do you think? Isn't she cute?
Seriously, why the hell do people care about this kid anyway? There are significantly more important things going on in the world right now than taking pictures of the infant brat of an A-class asshole and his brainwashed girlfriend who used to be hot. Right now there are wars going on in Iraq and Lebanon, North Korea is testing nukes, The environment is going to shit, the rich are getting richer while the poor are getting poorer, New Orleans is still in shambles, Global Warming is destroying the Earth, and we have an incompetant cock-wrinkle in the White House who is at least partially responsible for most of this shit.
But what's really important in today's news? Tom and Katie's fucking baby. Along with whatever the fuck Jennifer Aniston is wearing to the 1568th annual Cock awards, Jon Benet's imaginary killer, and "Brangelinea's" foreign fucking "I love third world poor people" token adoptee of the day. Fuck that shit. And while we're at it, fuck Mel Gibson's anti-semetic ass, J-Lo's big ghetto ass, Richard Roeper, Britney and K-fuck, and whoever else the shitty tabloid "news"papers are shoving in the face of mediocre America this week.
We really need to get our priorities straight, and so does the media. There are more important things going on right now than Celebrity gossip. People are not paying attention to the things that they should be. Instead they are more worried about getting their hands on those Suri Cruise pictures or finding out who Paris Hilton is fucking this week. And on Election Day, these apathetic loafs either don't know or care enough to go to the polls and vote, or worse, they cast a vote based on bullshit they were spoon-fed by politicians who know these people probably won't bother to look up the facts on their own.
It's my opinion that Americans have a responsibility to keep themselves informed about what's going on in the world. And by informed, I mean we need to start paying attention to the real issues going on in the world today, not the crap printed in tabloid trash magazines. The people who follow journalistic waste like this should get their heads out of the celebrity rumor rags for just a little while and learn something about the world outside of Hollywood. Pick up a real news paper, or watch a news program on TV once in a while. And I don't mean the local "a fireman saved a kitty from a tree today" news, or worse, Fox News. I mean a real national news program.
I've done the equivalent of flipping the birdie to a lot of people tonight, but I'm not done yet. Most of all, Fuck the media. It's been said by many others, including many of my favorite political commentators and comedians, that the news organizations in this country are simply not doing their jobs. They're right. Our founding fathers gave us freedom of the press for a reason, and it wasn't so we could see pictures of Tom Cruise's baby. It's their job to serve as the public's watchdog, letting the rest of us know when our leaders step out of line and warning us when shit gets out of hand. It's their job to make issues out of the things that should be issues. But they are not doing their job. They are failing miserably.
What a bunch of shit. I did a bunch of html and image work today, and did a quick search using IE instead of Firefox (I was using Microsoft's browser temporarily to test some .asp pages). As is usual every month, IE instead decided to send me to that blasted Windows update page, which seems to come up at the most inappropriate time. So I go and update the blasted Operating System, then screw around with a few more images before restarting the computer.
So I restart and everything is fine. In fact, it's fucking peachy. I hate peaches.
Then I shut down again at about 8:30 and make some burgers. They were nice and fucking rare too. Damn, those were some good burgers. Since I hadn't eaten all bloody day, I figured it was a decent time to make some bloody burgers. And they were bloody.
After dinner, I fire up the old machine again, and I marvel at the fact that I cannot see the shitty Windows startup screen that normally comes up. I blame it on my lack of an attention span and wait until the cursor appears.
When the nasty 'click' that acompanies the emergence of the cursor sounds off, I am once again baffled by the lack of any visible item on my screen. At this point, I can pretty much guess the horror that is to come, and I procede with my usual outburst of profanity.
In the time it takes me to say "fuck" and the forbidden C-word roughly 10,000 times (i.e: about 3.8 seconds), the start up screen finally shows... kind of. I can faintly see what looks like my purple, dead man account logo (see my avatar on the front page) in a faint haze of darkness. Upon logging in, I can see a trace of what might be my desktop icons in a black pit of pure nothingness, and a tiny blue line at the bottom of the screen that might have once been the start menu. I truly do hate my life.
The only thing I can do is pump up my brightness at full blast. I hope for the best, and prey to Rob Zombie that maybe my display settings got corrupted somehow. Nope! They're fine. So even with my brightness high enough to give the sun itself a big "fuck you," I can still only see my screen through an abyssal cloud of "ha ha, you can't fucking see me!"
Yes, imagine trying to read your monitor with a blanket over it. That's what I'm doing right fucking now! On the upside, because my lights in this room are also off, this is a good exercise in finding out how well I know the keyboard without being able to see the keys. "Hey, what do you know, I'm pretty good at this." Fuck me!
None of this would have happened if I had bought that new ultra fucking powerful gaming computer in December, instead of tossing my truck into a ditch and having to spend all my money on a new one like a total retarded fuck-monkey. I could be staring at a 274359852 inch clear ass screen, utilizing the power of a machine so badass that its very existence would cause both Bill Gates and Chuck Norris to shit their girlie-ass panties to death. But instead I'm typing in the dark, squinting at a monitor that might as well not exist, on a machine that won't even properly play games that were made before I had pubes.
AND THE MOTHER FUCKING THING IS FREEZING UP AS I FUCKING TYPE THIS!!!
FUCK!!!
So remember kids, the next time your ferret dies, or you lose a limb, or the devil stabs you in the ass, or any other misfortune befalls you, at least you can point at me and say "well shit, at least I'm not that miserable asshole!"
P.S. I still hate my life.
6/6/2006
I initially started writing another mad tirade meant to be the long, long overdue first rant on Eighth Hell. I'll post that other one whenever I get around to finishing it, but until then, here's a lovely essay I wrote on the forums that sets the mood rather well.
You know how on Election Day you go to vote and there are all those motherfuckers standing around handing out junk with some guy's name you've never heard of on it who's running for some office so obscure and pointless you wonder "why the fuck do we need so many goddamn politicians?" Their job is to get you to vote for their guy by giving you a free button, or chip clip, or some other random dollar store rubbish designed to sway the decisions of only the most gullible and unenlightened morons.
Well, I don't let those people off the hook so easily. Instead of casting my vote based on who's free chip clip is prettier, I go the asshole route and ask the one question those badgers fear most: "Can you tell me a little about the candidate?"
Now about 90% of the time, my victim's face turns beat red, they hang their head in shame, and I hear a faint mumble escape their lips that kind of resembles the phrase "I don't know," in the same tone that you would expect from a child who just got their pants pulled down in front of the whole damn class. Of course, I like to be a real prick about it and drive the point home a little with a quick follow up: "You don't know? How can you not know? You are advertising for him," which I am proud to say has pushed some almost to the point of tears. It's like these candidates pulled some random fuckers off the street, gave them a bag full of buttons/chip clips/stickers/whatever, and said to them, "LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE SHIT! I intend to WIN this little election, and since I don't have the Bush administration fixing the results for me, you had better shove chip clips down people's throats until you BLEED!"
Now as the first moron walks away in shame, there's always a second one there to bask in the light of the other's embarrasment. And these ones always have a cocky little grin on their face that screams "just try to pull that one on ME you little fucker." To which I happily oblige them. I ask them about their candidate, and they light up with a glee of pride that you would expect to see on the face of the man with the biggest dick in the world.
The problem comes when they begin with "he has been happily married for 30+ years, he has two kids, he coaches his son's little league team..." and I have to stop myself from punching them square in the jaw. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIS FUCKING FAMILY! I don't care about his wife, his kids, his dog, his cat, his rat, his white picket fuck fence, what kind of car he drives, what his favorite sports team is, where he goes to church, or who his favorite porn star is. It means absolutely nothing! Nothing! I want to know where he stands on the issues, what he intends to bring to the office, and why I should bother to vote for him. The fact that he sleeps with only one person (and I find that unlikely to begin with), and has brats means absolutely nothing about his political career.
You know who was married with children? Al Bundy. Yeah, he's a character on a TV show, but the fact that he had a wife and two asshole kids didn't make him a great guy to put in an elected office, and it doesn't make anyone else good for the job either. And you know who else is married and has kids? George W. Bush, and I'll be damned if I ever see his name on another ballot, let alone cast a vote for that incompetent prick again.